Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in esotericdrifter's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
4:53 pm	Watermelon lolipops!! Genius!! Current Mood: chipper Current Music: MCR- thankyou for the venom (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
5:37 pm	Great night! Awesome night! Yesterday and the night before were just an ongoing party at Rory's. Im so tired and wasted but it was so worth it. My mates are in this band and they were playing for hours and just started coming up with these funny lyrics which had all these drunks rolling around on the floor, we thought Mitch's mouth was bleeding but it turned out he had a red skittle in his mouth and was laughing so much he couldnt swallow it and the juice was running down his cheek, not nice but very funny. So many people I didnt know but one guy really caught my eye and he was such a good laugh he got my optimism to its max really easy going and so funny. My stomach was hurting from all the laughing I did. It started in blackburn town centre on friday about 5ish, went onto Rory's and didn't come home till just now. So ace! It would have been just the one night but we had so much left over we decided to make it a 48hour party... Im very delicate right now, Im trying to be as quiet and gentle as possible, but it was worth it. Rory's place was a mess so I stayed to help tidy up, Ive never seen so many empty cans and bottles. I got scratched! A bloody cat attcked my arm! Made such a mess, little shit... Matt tried teaching me something really complicated on the drums which I really couldnt do but he wouldnt let me up! so I had to fall to the floor and crawl away while being chased by a really really tall and drunk Matt with drumsticks, scary but for some reason all I could do was collapse in fits of laughter then he tripped and fell on top of me which made us both laugh even more. I tried again and this time accidently fell off the stool thingy.. *blushes* quite embarrasing. I got the munchies so bad I had weetabix! mashed up and hot. Dont ask me why, but it was really nice, had oodles of sugar in it and I really didnt need the energy but I put it to good use. Silly people began getting a bit out of control so I got on my sensible head and sorted too drunk people with water, put others to bed, called taxis for some, walked a few home so I was a good girl eventually after an entire night of being very, very bad. Then not 8 hours later everyone came back to do it all over again! I also realised that either lancashire people cannot hold their drink or I have a high tolerance for alcohol, doing shots with Rik he passes out half way through and Im barely swaying after I finished mine and his. I really wanted to watch Donnie Darko at about 4.45 so I turned Rory's room inside out trying to find it, didnt really make much difference when you looked at it but he said I messed up his organised chaos... I can tell you this, Donnie Darko-brilliant film- even better when you're wasted, I think thats how the writers were y'know. Changed my hair too, was very boring but now...well its not boring... Had it chopped off! And bright red put in. Forgot I did it and scared myself when I looked into the mirror next morning. I really should get some sleep now but Im too wired! OH well must try.. Toodles! ...toodles? wtf?... Current Mood: so happy!in a quiet way though Current Music: Jimmy Eat World- The middle (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
10:00 pm	Is this why...? Passion, it lies in all of us sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden it will stir; opens it's jaws and howls It speaks to us, guides us, passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred and the ecstasy of grief It hurts, sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live with out passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. With out passion, we'd be truly dead Is this why we let ourselves be used? Get hurt when we know thats the outcome? Because without passion we'd be nothing? Im desperately seeking answers because Im tired of letting myself get used and being the "rebound-girl". I'll not stand for it any longer... Or atleast I'll try... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
11:50 pm	Glutton for punishment Agape. (Not "uh-gape", "uh-gop-eh") The desire to be wanted is a powerful emotion. It often, without our knowledge, forces us into the predicament of claiming lies we think are truths: seeing hope where there is none or gray instead of black and white, romance when there is only friendship and fear when there is nothing to be terrified about. Being in love with love...that is quite possibly the easiest way to kill a human life off, be it your own or someone else's. Talking with several people as of late, I have discovered a universal truth: everyone wants to "love and be loved." EVERYone. They drink it in from whatever source they can, potentially sucking the oasis dry. Or, if they are lucky enough, they are blessed with a neverending spring, which they can always return to, should they thirst again. I exist under the rules set by 1 Corinthians 13: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. So. To whom this pertains: the fault is on both of us. Wanting to be loved, I gave you everything in me. Needing love, you drank it in. Until you didn't need it anymore. Still, you're lucky: it's that spring-like, unconditional sort of love. In the Greek, that's known as agape. You don't posess this kind of love. Maybe someday. But right now, you cannot fathom the meaning of the word. Romantic love...that's known as eros. And...I think it's gone. At least for now. Not because it's too painful, but because I'm seeing it differently. All of it. But I see your struggle. We will always be friends. I mean that. But I'll never impose. Always here. A neverending spring. Current Mood: numb Current Music: Track 3- rage blackouts (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
12:57 am	DISCLAIMER: This is something I wanted to share. I read a comment about beauty and it's perception...how we see things and judge the whole based on the fragment. They weren't judging either way, but it made me think some random thoughts. They don't even apply, but: Beauty is a sensory perception. The world is fragmented. If you want to see any sort of beauty at all, you have to look at the fragments, and judge accordingly. Think of this: a life is merely a fragment in time. A whisper. Then it's gone. Thought: We cannot see color, anything around us, without light. But the fact that we cannot stare at the sun without burning those orbs which we use to view the beauty around us is a strange paradox. In a way, it takes something hot and ugly to reveal the glorious sights that surround. Glory. Hmm...wonder what people picture in reference to that word. And is there anything in the world that is perceived by all to be "beautiful"? I know of only one thing. And that's my little secret. I think some of the most beautiful things in the world exist through sound. Which makes me wonder: does a deaf person know that sound is beautiful? How much of the driving rhythm touches their soul? Hearing people with no knowledge of sign language can stare transfixed at the moving hands for hours. Is it ever the same with a deaf person and music? I know they dance. They love music, they enjoy. But is it beautiful? Or is it simply vibrations in the floorboards. Thought: No one is completely apathetic. Wait, I rescind that. Corpses are incredibly apathetic. But whether we like the pain or not, we all care about something. Last random thought: never dismiss someone. As in, casually dismiss them or what they say. There is a value there that you have no notion of. If only you'd see. I'm as guilty as the next person; the blind leads the blind. But remember that: be wary. The tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. Be careful how you use it. The eyes are the window to your soul. Be careful what they reflect. If you don't like that reflection, do something about it. Work to change or else don't you dare complain about your rotten life. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: V fest (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 20th, 2005
12:58 am	The suicide of Cinderella No backing out. Okay....okay... Taking the pick axe, she forced her small muscles to exert themselves in ways they had forgotten. She hadn't done anything for herself in a long time.She pitched the axe between the cool bricks, squinting to avoid getting any chips in her eyes, a somewhat useless precaution. As the iron point slammed between the cold red blocks, where the cement had quietly deteriorated, gasped. It was louder than she had intended. With any luck, he was too engrossed in his entertainment downstairs to notice. Her sisters were very persuasive that way. She had never been...coy...like them...Further proof of her estrangement. It stretched out past her family and the courts into this bedroom. Not the bed; well, that as well, but beyond that: to the servants and the clothes she wore and the sweet incense in her baths. This was not who she was. This was a skin- a web of pretense to mask the truth: she had no place. Anywhere. Strip away someone's identity- give them a fairytale ending and every dream they've ever had...and what's left? She continued to beat away at the wall until she felt that one brick give way. Then she took the butt of the axe and smacked it until it fell into the hollow behind, a deafening clank that froze her. She stopped. Listened. ...Laughter. His. And theirs, the both of them. After a few minutes, she began to rip away at the bricks again. But she wouldn't risk the pick axe. She didn't need it anyway. With her hands, she mechanically removed each piece, tugging at them until they caved to her determination. Slowly, she made a hole. Between the inner and outer wall was a space- about a foot thick- next to the chimney. A few more bricks, and...yes...yes, that would be fine. Covered in a layer of dust, she picked up the bricks, one by one, and placed them in a pile within the hole. Reaching behind her, she took the handle on the bucket of mortar and silently, clumsily, shifted her weight to step inside her cave. Dead dreamers. They will lock themselves within the bricks using loneliness as the sealant. Willingly. Eternal solitude wins out over the daily grind. In death, she reasoned, there would be no homelessness; no false expectations. So...he would come in- her husband, her prince- and see that she was gone. Too busy and drunk to smell the pungent chemicals as the wall dried, he would sleep soundly. She had guaranteed herself at least two days of quiet before she had to go...before the air ran out... With this comforting thought, she spread the slick white paste on the bricks, filling in the space she'd made. No fuss. Assumptions would be made. The rat race would continue. Without her. Smiling, she looked out through the last tiny rectangle, bid a silent farewell to the fineries she had never owned, and pressed the brick into place. Such was the suicide of Cinderella. Made a decision tonight, hurt a hell of a lot, hope it was right. Time will tell... or "he" will... I wont be your doormat any longer. Current Mood: sad,hurt and kinda nervous Current Music: Im not sure, kinda eerie though (Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
12:54 am	There is balance in everything. This, my student friend Duncan tells me, is the only reference point he has to gradually unravelling the mysteries of the Universe. Black and white, yes and no, wrong and right,. A balance between wanting and getting, please and thankyou. I believed that babies are born with extra sensory perception. Children dont create or discover any worthwhile knowledge until they are at least 6 years old, and it may be only flickerings of premonition that hold us together until then. I may have made my first decision on premonition when my mother was nine months pregnant. Doctors had assured her until five months before that her lack of menstrual blood was simply a kidney infection. When it was found to have arms and legs a swift termination was advised because in 1978 thirty-three years were considered to go against mother and child. Her desperation for a daughter prompted a refusal and she carried me for close to eleven months. The reasons for this have never been clear. She tells me I was always a lazy child, but I think perhaps I knew the words "I should have listened to that bastard doctor" would echo throughout my childhood. Perhaps just a pre-birth warning; I was not going to be an easy child to raise. I have reluctance running through each bone in my body. And yet, my other hand had things to declare in the name of balance. I would be infamous. A convinced impulse insisting that I would become someone very special has been ever present, and on a whim that could have been just passing I decided to try my luck. The same whim has barely kept me alive until now. Imagination tells me that someday soon something amazing will happen to me. The Rhondda Valley December 1966 This is the first page of a book I just couldnt put down. 'In and out of the goldfish bowl' by Rachel Trezise is absolutely my favourite book so far. I would urge you all to find a copy and read it. That is my comment on it, now I'll give you the professionals'... "A pitiful tale, a triumphant achievement" -Time Out "A child's christmas in Wales where the only present you can hope for is that your mum really doesnt kill your dad with the bread knife this time" -The Western Mail "Trezise's debut has plenty of grit...she rants. She sulks. But she remains defiant. You guess immediately that she is a survivor." -The Guardian "Once you pick up this book you will not be able to put it down" -Gair Rhydd "The power is in what is not said...the use of language economic, inventive and highly evocative." -The New Welsh Review "Part rant part confessional prose...suggests Trezise is a force to be reckoned with" -Buzz (Comment on this)
Monday, August 8th, 2005
10:04 pm	Natural High Smiling Grinning Humming Singing Whistling Dancing Spinning Beaming Glowing Laughing Giggling All these things I did today, all because of one person... *smiles* Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: three days grace -home (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
10:41 pm	Busy Bee My god! Im so tired! Very busy day today. Firstly I only came home sometime this morning after I went to the pictures with some mates to see Stealth (crap film, I dont recommend it). Went back to Ben's and had a laugh, take away and a few drinks later we are playing twister. A very good game I dont care how old you are! =P Then Dean and his cousins came round, Jack n Stu. Both gay and make no beef about showing it. So I end up leaving Ben's to go with them, went to this party and changed tops with so many people it was amazing that I got mine back at the end of the night. But I stumbled back into my house early hours this morning and fell into bed. 12.00 comes around and my neighbours decide to mow their lawn. Damn. Get up, jump in the shower and try to make myself feeling more human, slowly it worked. 12.45 Dean is at the front door, my parents arent in so its left to me to answer it, in my towel. nice. After a few funny minutes he drives away and Im free to get dressed. Went online and listened to music and chilled my hangover away. Next thing I knew another knock at the door, my parents had come back at some point so my mum goes to answer it. Screams. I wanted to lock my door and hide after I heard the next few voices. My cousins, aunties, uncles, brothers, sisters, brother in law, 2nd cousins, great aunties and step-grandparents had decided to come round for a surprise visit. I get called downstairs and have to pretend like I'm happy to see them. Then to top it all off, I get sent to the shop to get the beer, oh and the whiskey for uncle Tom. I swear the shop keeper thinks Im an alcoholic... Got home and realised I didnt lock my bedroom or my laptop and Im sure that my msn name had changed. But none of my friends said anyone had been on so it was probably just paranoia. Spent as much time as possible in my room. Then I get called into the pit of doom (aka the family room)and am jumped on by a bunch of little people and asked constantly by the women "what happened to that nice boy Ben? Who is this Steve your mother tells us about? He has tattoos and piercings doesnt he? Thats not a good choice for a lady. Your sisters have very nice fiances, why cant you be like them? What happened to your lovely blonde hair? Why is it so dark now? Oh dear you've had your tongue pierced! And is that a tattoo?! An other piercing!" yada yada yada! They wouldnt listen to me, "Steve is a mate as is Ben now, I have piercings and a tattoo, so what? NO! It wasnt Steve's 'influence' Grrrr!!" So a fun day all round. I am now officially the "black sheep" of the family. Made better by Marc who I met at Steve's gig at the cockpit. Added him on msn because Steve told me to and ended up having one of the best conversations Ive had in a while, we're gonna meet up when I visit people back in yorkshire so its definately something to look forward to. Have a workshop tomorrow so I should go to sleep, early start and everything. I'll probably end up writing about that anyway. See ya. ~Tammy Current Mood: tired Current Music: The Hollies- He aint heavy (he's my brother) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 5th, 2005
9:33 pm	Oops Forgot to say Goodluck Steve and The Fret!! You'll do well I know it!! Im off out now, getting bored. ~Tammy Current Mood: happy Current Music: Alkaline Trio-Private eye (Comment on this)
9:08 pm	Talking to myself Ok, why do people not tell me vital pieces of information? Like "btw Tammy, we're in a gay bar"... Sounds weird I know but I went out with my mate Nick and some others, and he took me to this place called Oblivion, free pool all night I wasnt gonna complain. It was about after 15 mins that I noticed I was getting eyed up, but the bit that threw me was I was getting eyed up by women.. This kinda struck me as odd and I looked around noticing for the first time I was just about the only straight person in the place. Sat down at our table to ask Nick n Stu if my suspicions were correct only to be stopped by someone (who I later discovered was called Christian) saying "OH my god Darling! You have the most fanTAStic breasts Ive seen in a while... how much did they cost you?" Couldnt help myself, I laughed so hard I knocked my beer over. Then people in the immediate area kinda took notice and all tried guessing what size I was. It was the most bizarre conversation I have ever been the subject of. It took me a couple of minutes to stop laughing and tell them I was all natural. They played the worst music Ive heard, all the bad songs ever made just thrown together in one compilation. It really was painful. It was also some chick's birthday and the DJ was like "she's not a lesbian, she's a dyke." I had no idea what the difference was but apparently a dyke is a lesbian with no sense of style. Well, you learn something new everyday... Throwing this party at 40 steps, which is just a huge open area which is quite close to my house, so I had my mates see if they could set up some big ass speakers for it, hurrah! they could. Should be fun, theres nothing to break. Anyways, Im done talking to myself seeing as though no-one reads this until my mates get their asses into gear and get livejournals. So thats it. ~Tammy Current Mood: happy Current Music: Alkaline Trio- Private eye (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
9:54 pm	Random thoughts, needed somewhere to put them ... my words... favorite comfy things: music/ colors/ that feeling/ sunrises/ caring for someone/ funny words/ puppies/ air guitar/ talking on the phone/ humming/ talking in person/ air drums/ talking in general/ passion/ balloons/ serendipity/ babies/ snapping my fingers/ inside jokes/ whistling/ cooking/ dreaming/ my writings/ daydreaming/ animals/ dad’s stubble/ piggy-back rides/ holding hands/ spontaneity/ dancing in circles/ lipsync/ walking barefoot/ nicknames/ Kisses on my neck/ arms around my waist/ lil’ christopher and William/ random writing/ cheetahs/ old school cartoons/ saying ‘awesome blossom’/ saying ‘cool beans’/ ‘good to go’/ ‘absolutely’/ ‘actually’/ ‘i guess’/ ‘i think’/ the morning/ coffee ice cream/ night time/ vague memories/ getting up early/ photos/ other languages/ Cressa/ dog parks/ other cultures/ Will/ rolling my eyes/ sleeping late/ hugs/ love/ cereal/ alex’s skin/ eye contact/ steve’s tattoos/ kisses/ old stuff/ falling in love/ good smelly things/ falling in like/ touch/ classic contra/ your touch/ your taste/ smiles/ car rides/ people calling/ singing to myself/ giggles/ laughter/ stories/ business cards/ hallmark cards/ road trips/ sunsets/ laying next to you/ my jeans/ traveling/ no shirt/ screaming at the top of my lungs/ monkeys/ aimlessly wandering/ observing people/ kindness/ swimming/ looking up while i’m thinking/ lil’ silly kids/ stars/ taking pictures/ the moon/ remembering old times/ silly pictures/ pondering/ mum’s younger pictures/ chinese food/ thought of growing old together/ writing letters/ your eyes/ the beach/ the mountains/ my place/ your place/ your lips/ light rain/ movies/ little moments/ being happy/ blue sky/ surprises/ special olympics/ small gifts/ senior olympics/ sushi/ walking/ random kindness/ snow flakes/ kittens/ kids who says the most random things/ sand/ walking backwards/ swings/ family/ see-saw/ reading ppl’s away messages/ challenges/ jumping around/ happy signs/ art/ air/ life/ breakfast/ playtime/ cloudy days/ nap time/ clouds/ tug-a-war/ outings/ fat markers/ flower petals/ blowing bubbles/ humble moments/ helping ppl/ trees/ lil’ trees/ strangers/ theatre/ smiling at others/ other people smiling/ cocoa krispies/ feelings/ friends/ fun/ honesty/ pretty things/ pacing in circles/ fingers through your hair/ simplicity/ painting/ saying random things/ being silly/ flowers/ cool showers in the summer/ being stubborn/ Ben, Chris, Ricky, Dean, Leigh, / drawing/ stroking your skin/ reading/ hot showers in the winter/ cold pasta/ Xtian, Glen, Steve, katie/ getting mail/ being me/ stroking my skin/ being ‘vintage’/ [smile!]/ Current Mood: drained Current Music: 57-biffy clyro-blackened sky (Comment on this)
12:43 am	I Give Up!! What the fuck?! Why do I bother? Can anyone answer me that? No? Me neither.. So fucking pissed off and confused! Its making me not able to sleep because I keep thinking about it and my brain wont turn off. And I just want answers so why dont I ask the questions? Because I dont want to put pressure on. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! ~Tammy Current Mood: confused Current Music: Yellowcard- breathing (Comment on this)
12:22 am	I know his name! Marc, that guy who was with keith n mel, his name was marc!! Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Monday, August 1st, 2005
8:44 pm	Fuck it Okay, so the redesign thing didnt go so well, but ey well, fuck it. Went to cockpit to watch Steve's band The Fret, should have many pictures to post from that, very crazy sister took vast amounts and left me no more. Unfortunately we were at the back while people (Steve's mates) did very ... shall we say 'unique' dance moves. But they had fun and I must admit it was very entertaining to watch. Then met Keith, Mel and... and... uhm... dammit! someone else. In the back of keith's car, windows down letting cold air blast in, music blaring but we never get to listen to a full song because Steve is choosing, and lets face it, he might get an allergic reaction if he hears a song to the end... Would have gone to Keith's birthday thing, but alas, I made the move back to Lancashire. Its different this time though, because even though I live here, holidays and every other weekend will be spent with my sister in wakefield so its all good. Went to a rock workshop today and for once there was no-one shouting at me for being too loud, had a blast. Discovered my mate Glen is pretty damn good on guitar and Ricky is just mental when it comes to moshpits. I walked away with bruises and somehow a number for 'Tom' in my back pocket... Cant think of anything else to put so this is the end of the post. ~Tammy Current Mood: calm Current Music: Jimmy Eat World -Pain (Comment on this)
7:56 pm	Finally! Right so Ive never had a livejournal, I cant imagine its any different to a Xanga which is what ive had previously, except this is much harder to design. Might need help in that. Anyway, just posting this to see what it looks like and see what needs to be done in the redesigning area. ~Tammy Current Mood: calm Current Music: Funeral For a Friend- Red is the new Black (Comment on this)